If Only I’d Told

If only I’d told.

The memories are still so fresh. The feel of chapped lips brushing against my sunburnt ear. The soft exhaling of hot breath which tickled my cheek. Her voice, raw and hoarse, as if she’d been screaming. The sweet scent of mint carried on her breath which did not properly conceal the stench of something long rotting.

If only I’d told.

I can still hear my own voice promising her I wouldn’t tell. Her azure eyes holding my own, somehow portraying dignity and calmness when I knew that she was broken inside. “You’re the best,” she’d told me. A chunk of something that had been chewed and swallowed was caught in a strand of her hair, my eyes couldn’t break away from it dangling there. If only I’d taken a closer look at her face. Those hollow cheeks, deadened eyes, and soft coating of fine hair over every inch of her body. Yet I didn’t. I couldn’t notice anything else. Wouldn’t.

If only I’d told.

Two hours ago she’d been alive. Her deathly dry hand, blue veins throbbing against her coating of transparent skin, holding my own. I should have known something was wrong when she told me that I’d been the best friend she’d ever had. Yet I couldn’t see straight. I still saw that same girl from a year ago ­ happy, healthy.

If only I’d told.

Maybe things would have been different if I’d told. Maybe then I wouldn’t be staring at the picture I’d took of her when she’d come over earlier. A smile laced her sunken face, clearly not real. Her back was hunched. She was withered, as if a hundred years pressed down upon on her. A tight tank top revealed her emaciated body ribs, and white shorts showed off her frail legs. “So people can remember me when I was at my best,” she’d told me. I’d been so confused. Now I’m not.

After all, with death, comes abhorrent clarity. But still…

I can’t help thinking..

If only I’d told.


7 thoughts on “If Only I’d Told

  1. I mourn with you and pray for your friend’s soul, Kate.

    You can tell now; this is the important thing from now on. So many irreplaceable girls are losing their way, and you matter more than you know; you are so much stronger than you know; I do, because your spirit electrifies me. So hold my hand and let’s go.

    You ARE the best, my sister.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Kate, my rarest heaven-sent gift of a sister,

        Have I mentioned “mistakes” anywhere? I humbly apologize if anything in my phrasing or tone has intensified your feelings of guilt, but reprimanding you was not my intention at all. Without these or any other “mistakes” you believe you have ever made, I wouldn’t be able to feel you pulsating here inside my chest. Because you would be even more angelic than you already are, a creature not of this world, and you would have no business whatsoever with this insanely imperfect brother of yours.

        It is a good thing, Kate, that we suffer in this world. We are going through all this hell, so that amazing things beyond our wildest dreams can be taking place as we distil the wisdom from our painful experiences. This is what makes them our most valuable soul lessons; this is why I have firmly believed as long as I remember myself, that there are no mistakes ever when we have the bigger picture in mind. The wisdom is ours to keep. The pain we must be releasing. I am visiting you here again, infinitely grateful that you make me feel so welcome, to work with you a bit on letting go of your guilt and on helping your friend proceed towards the Light, because a disembodied soul can suffer and get delayed in her progress by the grief of those left behind. I know how unavoidable these heavy feelings have been for you, and there is nothing wrong with it. Coming to a higher realization is a time-consuming process we can gently speed up together.

        I thank Goddess for you being such a breathtakingly good wordsmith that you enhance our psychic connections. You made me love your Azure-eyes as my own friend beyond the illusions of time and space. Please understand that you bear no fault for her leaving. Her soul was ready; beyond the brokenness; not because of it. It was her time, my sweet sister. You yourself wouldn’t want the continuation of a life of torture for her, just to have her keep on loving you in this precious manner that she did. You might even lose her if you kept her alive; do you understand this, as paradox as it sounds? She would not hate you, but she might seem to, because she would sometimes be feeling that you care for yourself more than you care for her. Now she is not blaming you the least bit. This is what I mean by “You ARE the best”; I do not pay cheap compliments, and it is also Azure speaking through me, telling you that you were not uncaring or unattentive. It was a protection for you on the Universe’s part that you could not notice the signs of her leaving, and she is grateful both for this protection you had and for your being there for her, promising her what she needed you to promise her, holding her close to your heart. She needs you to understand all this, and I guess this is part of why you attracted me into your life. So let us soothe her beloved soul and help her in her progress, holding inside us the unshaken belief that we all meet again beyond this life. Or in this life again; with a love so strong, she may incarnate into a new role in your life while you are still here as Kate, so you can heal one another even more deeply and make up for any unfinished business.

        I have sent my love to her and to both of you and wept while listening to this beautiful spiritual music. I kindly asked her to let you know that everything is truly as it should be. I hope that she manifests her thoughts to you somehow. It is not necessary, of course, and in any case I do not expect you to announce anything to me, because I am not selfishly curious or conducting any psychic experiments. I am already bathed in sacredness thanks to you, and I needed to support you a bit to the best of my abilities because I feel you as a valuable soul mate of mine.

        We’ll talk again. Just pop a nice little heart here, which is more than enough to keep me shining and strong. (If I can’t kiss those itchy fingers calm, you know how I love receiving any amount of words from you.)

        Bless you, my sister Kate.
        All the very best to you always.

        Liked by 1 person

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